American Idol Season 9: The Rhyming Review

So?  What happened this year on our favorite singing competition?

First we heard that Paula was not going to come back…

Or she was in rehab according to Inside Edition. 

Or she didn’t get the contract she requested, or that she couldn’t come back until she was better ‘rested’.

So bye bye Paula, we weren’t going to carry you...hey hey Idol, was just not going to budge.

A search was on to find a celebrity name to act as the 4^th (and final?) judge.

Shania was asked, but she passed.  Posh Spice, volunteered twice, but Idol couldn’t be enticed.

There was whole succession of picks, as told by Page Six…

Lindsay Lohan but she was stuck in Cannes.

Jimmy Fallon, but he has too much talent.

Calls were made to Susanna Hoffs, Samantha Fox and, Lisa Loeb.

Interviews were given to Gloria Estefan, Celine Dion, and Norah Jones.

Finally, I’m humble to say, the producers of the show called me.

Scoff if you must be it was all reported by TMZ.

But my steroid rage and subsequent arrest put that offer to rest.

So instead of a Felon, then there’s Maude, err…Ellen.

Ah, Ms. Ellen Degeneras,

talk show host, and comically famous

was brought in to offer advice that was colorful and outrageous.    

Maybe she’d dance or talk about her girlfriend’s hymen.

Either way she’d be a counterweight to Randy and Simon.

But Simon had a little surprise of his own, for he announced he was heading out on his own.

This would be his final season, with his new show the X-Factor, given as the reason.

This was the story banded around town, but we all know it was the fact that he missed his favorite booze-hound.

As we all soon discovered, it seems Paula Abdul was the one that found the best talent…whether as a singer or as a potential lover.

Kara was still there, dispensing real advice while her nostrils would constantly flare.

Which must’ve been a relief to hear from Ellen with her Hobbit Ears.

But the fact is this was by far the weakest of all IDOLs, with very few contestants even worth of contesting for the title.

There was Andrew with his Aquarium eye-specs, Big Mike with his ‘gynormous’ pecks, some forgetfuls named John and Joe who made me sick, Handsome Casey and a dude named Todrick.  Aaron Kelly looked like he was eleven, and Tim Urban somehow made it to the top seven!

The girls were supposed to be much better or so the judges said, but the American audience disagreed and voted off most of the women instead.

So long Paige, Didi and Ashley, and adios Michelle and big haired Katelyn Epperly. 

I thought Katie should’ve won the whole thing but instead she left after singing songs by the King.

Siobhan somehow was kicked off at number six, unfortunately she didn’t even get to be mentored by Harry Connick. 

And that reminds me of the Season’s high points (if you are keeping score), Season 9 had American Idols best mentors.

Adam Lambert was most impressive dispensing advice…Jamie Foxx was forceful and at the same time nice.  Harry was amusing, though Miley was confusing, and Usher was snoozing. 

Last night pitted Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze…and it should come to no one’s surprise that I picking Crystal hands down.  Which of course, just means that pretty Lee will win the Idol crown.

Most importantly this is Simon’s last night.  More than anything he represented the show at its heights…and he will be sorely missed.  Therefore here’s my Simon Ode:

Simon was rude, honest and draconian,

 his White T-shirts ought to be in the Smithsonian,

as they have ultimately and legendarily become,

a part of this music loving, television watching generation,

where everything Idol became a sensation,

and every nasty comment  of Simon’s was cause for celebration,

for Simon’s bluntness knew no hesitation,

and was a cause of Paula’s irrationalization,

and awful contestant’s expletive filled frustration,

As Idol hit the cities all across this nation,

Simon grew bored and he grew more impatient,

And he was the one to tell hopefuls, “Congratulations”

For it was his rare praise they used for motivation.

Simon is one of a kind and there has never been any duplication

Though other reality shows have flattered him with English accented imiations.

It won’t be the same without you Simon, and we offer our appreciation

For more times than not you were right, even if you were rude in your explanations.

Your word was law and your “being honest” destroyed egos or cause inflations

But in the end you were entertaining, with your smiles and your condensations. 

You’ll be missed by all of the IDOL enjoying population.

AMERICAN IDOL: The Movie

Another

IDOL GOES CINEMATASTIC!

Event

No, I'm not typing in 3-D, but that would be cool wouldn't it?

The Idols go to the movies with songs from the movies.
Here is a list of the movies they gleaned from:

• Caddyshack
• the Graduate
• Once
• Free Willy
• Don Juan DeMarco
• Batman Forever

Not one selection from the Gold Rush or The Great Train Robbery.

Act I
Scene I

(Lee enters stage.  Gestures to mentor Jamie Foxx.  Jamie Foxx makes an obscene gesture to Lee.  Lee cries.)

Lee:  I'd like to perform a song for you tonight, called "Kiss By a Rose" by Seal.  This song means a lot to me.  I remember watching Batman Forever at the Parkway Multiplex in Akron, and this song came on while Batman and Robin were holding hands sliding down the BatPole, and that is when I decided that I did not want to be Batman.

 Act I
Scene II

(Casey comes out, sits on an extension of the stage among a few well placed young girls holding his mandolin.  That was not supposed to be an innuendo.  Casey has his hair down.  He looks exactly like a blond Eddie Vedder.   Then Casey sings, "Mrs.Robinson"  by Simon and Garfunkel.  Garfunkel is happy, Simon is not amused).

Casey: I remember when I first saw this movie.  I felt really bad for the guy who Elaine left at the Alter.  I mean, she left him for Dustin Hoffman.  I hate it when the pretty guys lose out to the nerds.

Act I
Scene III

(Mike approaches Ryan Seacrest.  While Ryan begins to announce Mike's name, it is too late for him to realize that Big Mike has grabbed him by his neck and suddenly twists his head off.  Ryan's noggin falls to the ground causing Ellen to dance while Simon gives a standing O and is clearly smiling  It's a slight absurd but the whole scene keeps Randy quite silent for once.  Kara just claps.  Mike leaves the stage.)

Act I
Scene IV

(Crystal Bowersox removes her lip ring and inserts it into the exposed neck of the dead Ryan Seacrest)

Crystal: I'd like to dedicate this next song to my friend and yours Ryan. 

(audience agrees and claps)

Crystal: Thank you for coming out tonight.  You've been a great audience. 

Act II
Scene I
(Crystal and Lee are on the stage in the foreground.  They are staring at each other, Lee stage LEFT.  Their 2 microphone stands are between them.   Guitars in hand.  Ryan's body has been cleared from the area.  Jamie Foxx is glaring at both singers.)

Lee: If you love this song, I picked it.  If you didn't then Crystal did.

Crystal:  Geez...another man that can't commit to anything.

Act II
Scene II
(Casey and Mike are looking out at the crowd)

Casey (to Mike): Upon the king! let us our lives, our souls,
Our debts, our careful wives,
Our children and our sins lay on the king!
We must bear all.

Mike:  Now the hungry lion roars,
And the wolf behowls the moon;
Whilst the heavy ploughman snores,
All with weary task fordone.

Casey: Thus answer I in name of Bendick,
But hear these ill news with the ears of Claudio.
'Tis certain so; -- the prince woos for himself.

Mike: I hear that, boyfriend.

(Casey chuckles.  Exit Mike, exit Casey)

(Casey, Mike, Crystal and Lee come out for bows.  Mike raises Ryan's bloody head easily with his right hand.  They all bow in unison)

THE END

Ring-a-Ding-Ding, the American Idol 5 sing Sinatra

This year American Idol has presented to us several nights of music by unsurpassed music Icons.  We’ve had a Beatles Week, An Elvis Week, and tonight, Frank Sinatra Week. 

I don’t know about you, but I am still waiting for Slim Whitman and Nana Mouskouri to get their due!

Tonight, Harry Connick Jr., lends his considerable talents to the Idolators.  He arranges the songs for them, plays the piano for them on-stage, mentors them, and helps them sneak firearms into the Shrine Auditorium.  He does everything except buy alcohol for young Aaron, and putting Casey’s long locks into a ponytail.

I am a big fan of Harry’s and his first few albums are terrific.  Much better than the current “Harry Connick Jr.”, Michael Buble. 

He’s even funnier here than he was for 2 seasons on Will & Grace. 

So who better to help the Idolators with the tough task of singing Sinatra but Harry?  And who better to be present in the studio audience to watch than Frank’s daughters: Tina and some woman they ‘claim’ is Nancy Sinatra 

Nancy’s boots could’ve walked all over any man back in the day. 

 

Now she looks like a mutant cross between Penny Marshall, and Victoria Gotti, wearing Joey Ramone’s glasses.

 

         

Eek. 

Nancy’s boots couldn’t walk over Peter Lawford’s shoe-shine boy's grave, nowadays.

You think I'm kidding?  And think about it.  One week ago that same seat was privy to the lovely tush of Shania Twain.  Now that seat holds this:

YES, THIS IS A REAL PHOTO OF NANCY!

Tonight, Season 9’s Drat Pack of Lee, Big Mike, Aaron, Casey and Crystal meet the  try to have a modicum of success in reinterpreting the reinterpretations of Old Blue Eyes.

The first song played on the surface of the moon, “FLY ME TO THE MOON” has young Joey Bishop (Aaron Kelly) looking sharp, and hitting all the right notes.

Simon gives Aaron some lip about not having the swagger of Sinatra, as if some 17 year old from Sonestown, PA is going to have the stones of Frankie.  In fact, no one did.  They didn’t call him Chairman of the Board for nothing. 

And if you rubbed Frank the wrong way, you suddenly woke up next to a horse’s head.

Aaron’s Rating:  Robin and the 7 Hoods

           

Casey James (Dean Martin) performs the Irving Berlin classic “BLUE SKIES”.  Casey does a very unflattering job of the song, probably the worst I’ve ever heard.  And I’m comparing that to the version by Lt. Commander Data (yes, the Android for you non-Trekkers) on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Casey’s Rating:  Sergeants 3

Crystal Bobbysoxer (Shirley MacLaine) is the only broad left in the competition.  The dame looks nice, and we assume that Crystal was once a Sinatra fan when she was a young babe from Bayonne, Ohio.

Now, the judges didn’t like Ms Bowersox’s “SUMMER WIND” this week. But I did.  It reminded me of when Diane Keaton had her solo in “Annie Hall”.  It was endearing, and something real and forlorn about it.   I’d love to hear her sing, “SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME”, or “THE MAN I LOVE”.

Crystal’s Rating: Ocean’s Eleven

Big Mike – (Sammy Davis Jr, of course!) performs “THE WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT”.   I am still not convinced that the judges saved the right person.  He’s never wowed me, and I find him a tad plain.  Like a scallop that’s been cooked but not seasoned. 

Mike’s Rating: 4 for Texas

Lee is last and that usually is the best spot.  And Lee has a solid performance with “THAT’S LIFE”.  He’s growing as a performer but he’s still not there.  In my opinion, he’s the only one worthy of usurping the title from Crystal.

Lee’s Rating: The Cannonball Run

Lady Gaga is on tonight.

Would Sinatra have been GAGA over that dame?  Or would he think that LADY was a tramp?

She's the Canadian Idol

This is the first post exclusively newly written for the Web.

Notice any differences?  No?  I’m now using spell checker.

      We are down to the Top 6.  Or up to the Bottom 6.  Either way, these 6 students of song are lucky enough to be mentored by one of the finest singer-songwriters in the biz….Shania Twain.

Shania (which is Yiddish for I didn’t do it, but even if I did, why should I tell you), makes her second appearance on Idol this season.  First time sitting in for Ellen at the pre-Hollywood auditions, and now as the author of the Songbook being performed tonight.

Just for the record, Shania has sold more records than Alicia Keys, Melissa Ethridge, Gloria Estefan, and the cast of GLEE combined. 

       Not bad for a Canadian chick who’s real name is Eileen and who was married to some guy named Mutt.

Speaking of Mutts…side note:  The Mets are in first place on April 28^th.  How the heck did that happen? 

I for one blame global warming.

So here we have the final 6.  Ryan announces that one was in Paint sales, one was in construction, one is a mother, one a father, one a glass blower and one is a high schooler.

If that were me on the stage, I’d like my occupation to be listed as gold digger. 

Up first, Lee, sets the canvas.

       Singing, “You’re Still The One”, Lee creates broad strokes, and in the beginning it was hard to imagine where he was going, but taking a step back you could appreciate what he accomplished on his Palette.   He reminded me of a young Gavin DeGraw mixed with a shade of Couillet.  Bravo, Bravo Mr. Lee.  To paraphrase this tune, “Looks like Lee made it…look how far he’s come baby.”

            If that made no sense to you, then you could appreciate what I was hearing when the Far-reaching 4 finished judging him.

      “It only hurts when I’m breathing” is something Ryan Seacrest said when Big Mike fell on top of him.  It is also the song that Mike picked.  The Judges compared him to Luther, and I think he is more Maxwell or Sylvester…but either way…American Idol has already had a very large Teddy Bear win this competition.  Ruben is a wonderful performer, but his sales have been less than impressive.  Big Mike ain’t winning this. 

            I liked seeing the camera cut to Shania watching in the audience.  She kinda a nerdy, goofy girl who doesn’t see how amazing she is.  It’s kind of refreshing.  Unlike when Michael Buble came out a few years ago and declared that he was the next Diana Ross.

Casey James and Shania Twain sing a brief duet during rehearsals for “Don’t!” and suddenly I can hear Casey having a future in the music business, and not just as a cabana boy.  His solo spot tonight is his best performance ever.  And the best thing is that he and Shania have the exact same hair stylist.  

Unlike Casey, Crystal has been firmly established in my head as an artist and unlike Casey, Crystal has her worst performance of the season.  The rhythm and the arrangement was off.  Plus Crystal has to realize that like Shania and other female country artists, a male background singer is better than a female one.

Crystal said she was trying to coax her long, long time boyfriend into marrying her.  The boy, who was in the front row, was wearing a ridiculous T-shirt that read,

“Crystal Bowersox, 
will you marry me if you win this competition,

and can I keep

my last name, Meth?”

Like Casey, Aaron has his best performance.  I was imagining as he sat on stage on a stool, that he was singing “You’ve got a way” to some pretend 16 year old soul mate with blonde hair and perfect skin, as he impresses her with his talent.   That image is shattered as Aaron says he was singing to his mom.  Ick and eww….except that Aaron’s mom is cute. 

Siobhan’s version of “Any man of mine” wasn’t as good as Simon, Kara, et al suggest but it wasn’t bad either.  “Any man of mine” is one of those songs that if any woman is shouting it out then any guy in the room should pick up their pants and slink out of the room.  It’s a perfect song for girls to put their men in their places.  It’s also the song that men should take as a signal to run as fast and far as their boots will allow.

Vote on the upper right of your screen to register who you think is going home next….

My choice… Big Mike takes the first Twain out of Clarksville.


If I'm wrong and someone else goes home...well, my Yiddish friend...Shania!

The Return of Our Favorite Idol Judge

PRESENTS

A Special Edition of AMERICAN IDOL: Idol Gives Back....

Hello Friend.

Are you feeling destitute, down-trodden, uninspired?

Do you sometimes feel like giving up and giving in?

Do you need something or someone to make you want to give more of yourself (especially your money)?

Well, the WAIT IS OVER! 

It’s Idol Gives Back, the yearly episode of your favorite talent show that asks you…Do any of these people really deserve my vote and my money???

Well TIME-LIFE (copyright) is ready to help you remember the more generous times of your life….AND here’s your host for the night:

Paula Abdul !!!

Hi, I’m  Paula Abdul.  You may remember me.  I know I do.  Most of the time.

But you may remember me like I remember me from such TV Hits like 'Dog the Bounty Hunter', 'The Flip Wilson Show', 'Masterpiece Theater', as well as my realty show, 'Emilio and Me' starring Priscilla Presley.  .

While I’m no longer allowed to appear on Americana Idol, I am allowed now to assist the contestants, and when I say ‘assist’ I really mean sleep with the contestants. 

And when I say ‘contestants’ I just mean the guys.

Back in 1991, while I was on tour with Gene Kelly and Fabian, I first met Bill Clinton.  We hit it off and one night we made love to “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac.  Later, he used it as his campaign theme song on his way to becoming President.  It was just a huge tribute to me, and a great in-joke that I’m sharing just with you Time-Life folks….for this special TV offer.

Since this is Inspiration Week, and all America loves everyone, I was inspired to tell you Cute Casey reminded of that story when he sang “Don’t Stop”.  I like Casey and the way he handles that guitar.  Don’t Stop, Casey, Don’t Stop!

If you love terrorism, you’ll really love this inspirational moment inspired by Loveable Lee singing “The Boxer”.  I love love love this song.  Written by a fellow Jew, Paul Simon, perhaps with another fellow Jew, Bob Dylan, in mind - this song really speaks to me.  It inspired me to look up the version Simon did on Saturday Night Live after September 11^th.  Simon took a song about an individual and he Forever attached it to a whole city at lowest point in its life.  I love Simon.  Not Randy as much.  Just Simon.  Mos' Definitely not Ellen or Kara.

Please check about this:  http://channel.pandora.tv/channel/video.ptv?ch_userid=ssofficer&prgid=34579920

Next up is a song that reminds me of Hurricane Katrina.  Tantalizing Tim takes me away to those September days after Katrina hit New Orleans.  I was sitting in the French Quarter on an inflatable raft drinking Rum and Coke when I heard the Goo Goo Dolls’ song, “Better Days” for the first time.  I was so inspired by the words and the emotion of the song that I thought to myself…”Yes, better days ARE ahead”.  So with that in mind, me, Ryan, Simon and Theodore all made arrangements to raise money somewhere much much much drier.  So we headed to the PALMS in Vegas.  

Ain’t these songs inspiring you like they are me?

Thank you Time-Life for putting this together.  Clap, Clap.

This next song confuses me.  “I Believe I Can Fly” is by R. Kelly but tonight it’s sung by Aaron Kelly.  Are they the same person?  Anyone know?

No?  Hmm…that’s totally crazy.  But Amazing Aaron is an ok singer.  He’s underage so I really didn’t get a chance to make friends with him.

.....Ok, Who the Frig is this odd girl with butterlies on her back and feathers in her hair?  Siobhan Magnus?  Isn’t that the dude who pulls trucks with his teeth on the World’s Strongest Men competitions?

Well whomever she is, she is singing the song that was supposed to be my comeback song, “When you believe,” but someone gave it to that tart Mariah and junkie Whitney.  I cannot stand women who throw themselves at men and take too many pills.

Big Big Big Mike. 

I was so so inspired by Big Magnificent Mike singing Nickelback’s “Hero”.  Mmmm, mmm, Spiderman.  Tie me up....

That was until Mikey raised his arms and showed us all his sweat-soaked underpits.  Ugh.  Yuck.  Grab that boy some Time-Life Deodorant. 

Here’s another song I love.  “People Get Ready” by Curtis Mayfield.

While some brilliant critics thought that young Katie should be the winner, there seems to be no more obvious choice than Crystal.

She inspired me to try to be a better person and give more.   It also reminds me that I need to get ready for my date tonight with Ricky Martin.  Oh, Ricky.  I’m Forever Your Girl.  Are you mine?

Even if the song choices tonight were uninspiring, and the performances were the general bland versions you’ve heard all season from these performers, I hoped you liked our Time-Life rehash of tonight’s songs with me, Paula Abdul.