American Idol Season 9: The Rhyming Review

So?  What happened this year on our favorite singing competition?

First we heard that Paula was not going to come back…

Or she was in rehab according to Inside Edition. 

Or she didn’t get the contract she requested, or that she couldn’t come back until she was better ‘rested’.

So bye bye Paula, we weren’t going to carry you...hey hey Idol, was just not going to budge.

A search was on to find a celebrity name to act as the 4^th (and final?) judge.

Shania was asked, but she passed.  Posh Spice, volunteered twice, but Idol couldn’t be enticed.

There was whole succession of picks, as told by Page Six…

Lindsay Lohan but she was stuck in Cannes.

Jimmy Fallon, but he has too much talent.

Calls were made to Susanna Hoffs, Samantha Fox and, Lisa Loeb.

Interviews were given to Gloria Estefan, Celine Dion, and Norah Jones.

Finally, I’m humble to say, the producers of the show called me.

Scoff if you must be it was all reported by TMZ.

But my steroid rage and subsequent arrest put that offer to rest.

So instead of a Felon, then there’s Maude, err…Ellen.

Ah, Ms. Ellen Degeneras,

talk show host, and comically famous

was brought in to offer advice that was colorful and outrageous.    

Maybe she’d dance or talk about her girlfriend’s hymen.

Either way she’d be a counterweight to Randy and Simon.

But Simon had a little surprise of his own, for he announced he was heading out on his own.

This would be his final season, with his new show the X-Factor, given as the reason.

This was the story banded around town, but we all know it was the fact that he missed his favorite booze-hound.

As we all soon discovered, it seems Paula Abdul was the one that found the best talent…whether as a singer or as a potential lover.

Kara was still there, dispensing real advice while her nostrils would constantly flare.

Which must’ve been a relief to hear from Ellen with her Hobbit Ears.

But the fact is this was by far the weakest of all IDOLs, with very few contestants even worth of contesting for the title.

There was Andrew with his Aquarium eye-specs, Big Mike with his ‘gynormous’ pecks, some forgetfuls named John and Joe who made me sick, Handsome Casey and a dude named Todrick.  Aaron Kelly looked like he was eleven, and Tim Urban somehow made it to the top seven!

The girls were supposed to be much better or so the judges said, but the American audience disagreed and voted off most of the women instead.

So long Paige, Didi and Ashley, and adios Michelle and big haired Katelyn Epperly. 

I thought Katie should’ve won the whole thing but instead she left after singing songs by the King.

Siobhan somehow was kicked off at number six, unfortunately she didn’t even get to be mentored by Harry Connick. 

And that reminds me of the Season’s high points (if you are keeping score), Season 9 had American Idols best mentors.

Adam Lambert was most impressive dispensing advice…Jamie Foxx was forceful and at the same time nice.  Harry was amusing, though Miley was confusing, and Usher was snoozing. 

Last night pitted Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze…and it should come to no one’s surprise that I picking Crystal hands down.  Which of course, just means that pretty Lee will win the Idol crown.

Most importantly this is Simon’s last night.  More than anything he represented the show at its heights…and he will be sorely missed.  Therefore here’s my Simon Ode:

Simon was rude, honest and draconian,

 his White T-shirts ought to be in the Smithsonian,

as they have ultimately and legendarily become,

a part of this music loving, television watching generation,

where everything Idol became a sensation,

and every nasty comment  of Simon’s was cause for celebration,

for Simon’s bluntness knew no hesitation,

and was a cause of Paula’s irrationalization,

and awful contestant’s expletive filled frustration,

As Idol hit the cities all across this nation,

Simon grew bored and he grew more impatient,

And he was the one to tell hopefuls, “Congratulations”

For it was his rare praise they used for motivation.

Simon is one of a kind and there has never been any duplication

Though other reality shows have flattered him with English accented imiations.

It won’t be the same without you Simon, and we offer our appreciation

For more times than not you were right, even if you were rude in your explanations.

Your word was law and your “being honest” destroyed egos or cause inflations

But in the end you were entertaining, with your smiles and your condensations. 

You’ll be missed by all of the IDOL enjoying population.

AMERICAN IDOL: The Movie

Another

IDOL GOES CINEMATASTIC!

Event

No, I'm not typing in 3-D, but that would be cool wouldn't it?

The Idols go to the movies with songs from the movies.
Here is a list of the movies they gleaned from:

• Caddyshack
• the Graduate
• Once
• Free Willy
• Don Juan DeMarco
• Batman Forever

Not one selection from the Gold Rush or The Great Train Robbery.

Act I
Scene I

(Lee enters stage.  Gestures to mentor Jamie Foxx.  Jamie Foxx makes an obscene gesture to Lee.  Lee cries.)

Lee:  I'd like to perform a song for you tonight, called "Kiss By a Rose" by Seal.  This song means a lot to me.  I remember watching Batman Forever at the Parkway Multiplex in Akron, and this song came on while Batman and Robin were holding hands sliding down the BatPole, and that is when I decided that I did not want to be Batman.

 Act I
Scene II

(Casey comes out, sits on an extension of the stage among a few well placed young girls holding his mandolin.  That was not supposed to be an innuendo.  Casey has his hair down.  He looks exactly like a blond Eddie Vedder.   Then Casey sings, "Mrs.Robinson"  by Simon and Garfunkel.  Garfunkel is happy, Simon is not amused).

Casey: I remember when I first saw this movie.  I felt really bad for the guy who Elaine left at the Alter.  I mean, she left him for Dustin Hoffman.  I hate it when the pretty guys lose out to the nerds.

Act I
Scene III

(Mike approaches Ryan Seacrest.  While Ryan begins to announce Mike's name, it is too late for him to realize that Big Mike has grabbed him by his neck and suddenly twists his head off.  Ryan's noggin falls to the ground causing Ellen to dance while Simon gives a standing O and is clearly smiling  It's a slight absurd but the whole scene keeps Randy quite silent for once.  Kara just claps.  Mike leaves the stage.)

Act I
Scene IV

(Crystal Bowersox removes her lip ring and inserts it into the exposed neck of the dead Ryan Seacrest)

Crystal: I'd like to dedicate this next song to my friend and yours Ryan. 

(audience agrees and claps)

Crystal: Thank you for coming out tonight.  You've been a great audience. 

Act II
Scene I
(Crystal and Lee are on the stage in the foreground.  They are staring at each other, Lee stage LEFT.  Their 2 microphone stands are between them.   Guitars in hand.  Ryan's body has been cleared from the area.  Jamie Foxx is glaring at both singers.)

Lee: If you love this song, I picked it.  If you didn't then Crystal did.

Crystal:  Geez...another man that can't commit to anything.

Act II
Scene II
(Casey and Mike are looking out at the crowd)

Casey (to Mike): Upon the king! let us our lives, our souls,
Our debts, our careful wives,
Our children and our sins lay on the king!
We must bear all.

Mike:  Now the hungry lion roars,
And the wolf behowls the moon;
Whilst the heavy ploughman snores,
All with weary task fordone.

Casey: Thus answer I in name of Bendick,
But hear these ill news with the ears of Claudio.
'Tis certain so; -- the prince woos for himself.

Mike: I hear that, boyfriend.

(Casey chuckles.  Exit Mike, exit Casey)

(Casey, Mike, Crystal and Lee come out for bows.  Mike raises Ryan's bloody head easily with his right hand.  They all bow in unison)

THE END

Ring-a-Ding-Ding, the American Idol 5 sing Sinatra

This year American Idol has presented to us several nights of music by unsurpassed music Icons.  We’ve had a Beatles Week, An Elvis Week, and tonight, Frank Sinatra Week. 

I don’t know about you, but I am still waiting for Slim Whitman and Nana Mouskouri to get their due!

Tonight, Harry Connick Jr., lends his considerable talents to the Idolators.  He arranges the songs for them, plays the piano for them on-stage, mentors them, and helps them sneak firearms into the Shrine Auditorium.  He does everything except buy alcohol for young Aaron, and putting Casey’s long locks into a ponytail.

I am a big fan of Harry’s and his first few albums are terrific.  Much better than the current “Harry Connick Jr.”, Michael Buble. 

He’s even funnier here than he was for 2 seasons on Will & Grace. 

So who better to help the Idolators with the tough task of singing Sinatra but Harry?  And who better to be present in the studio audience to watch than Frank’s daughters: Tina and some woman they ‘claim’ is Nancy Sinatra 

Nancy’s boots could’ve walked all over any man back in the day. 

 

Now she looks like a mutant cross between Penny Marshall, and Victoria Gotti, wearing Joey Ramone’s glasses.

 

         

Eek. 

Nancy’s boots couldn’t walk over Peter Lawford’s shoe-shine boy's grave, nowadays.

You think I'm kidding?  And think about it.  One week ago that same seat was privy to the lovely tush of Shania Twain.  Now that seat holds this:

YES, THIS IS A REAL PHOTO OF NANCY!

Tonight, Season 9’s Drat Pack of Lee, Big Mike, Aaron, Casey and Crystal meet the  try to have a modicum of success in reinterpreting the reinterpretations of Old Blue Eyes.

The first song played on the surface of the moon, “FLY ME TO THE MOON” has young Joey Bishop (Aaron Kelly) looking sharp, and hitting all the right notes.

Simon gives Aaron some lip about not having the swagger of Sinatra, as if some 17 year old from Sonestown, PA is going to have the stones of Frankie.  In fact, no one did.  They didn’t call him Chairman of the Board for nothing. 

And if you rubbed Frank the wrong way, you suddenly woke up next to a horse’s head.

Aaron’s Rating:  Robin and the 7 Hoods

           

Casey James (Dean Martin) performs the Irving Berlin classic “BLUE SKIES”.  Casey does a very unflattering job of the song, probably the worst I’ve ever heard.  And I’m comparing that to the version by Lt. Commander Data (yes, the Android for you non-Trekkers) on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Casey’s Rating:  Sergeants 3

Crystal Bobbysoxer (Shirley MacLaine) is the only broad left in the competition.  The dame looks nice, and we assume that Crystal was once a Sinatra fan when she was a young babe from Bayonne, Ohio.

Now, the judges didn’t like Ms Bowersox’s “SUMMER WIND” this week. But I did.  It reminded me of when Diane Keaton had her solo in “Annie Hall”.  It was endearing, and something real and forlorn about it.   I’d love to hear her sing, “SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME”, or “THE MAN I LOVE”.

Crystal’s Rating: Ocean’s Eleven

Big Mike – (Sammy Davis Jr, of course!) performs “THE WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT”.   I am still not convinced that the judges saved the right person.  He’s never wowed me, and I find him a tad plain.  Like a scallop that’s been cooked but not seasoned. 

Mike’s Rating: 4 for Texas

Lee is last and that usually is the best spot.  And Lee has a solid performance with “THAT’S LIFE”.  He’s growing as a performer but he’s still not there.  In my opinion, he’s the only one worthy of usurping the title from Crystal.

Lee’s Rating: The Cannonball Run

Lady Gaga is on tonight.

Would Sinatra have been GAGA over that dame?  Or would he think that LADY was a tramp?