She's the Canadian Idol

This is the first post exclusively newly written for the Web.

Notice any differences?  No?  I’m now using spell checker.

      We are down to the Top 6.  Or up to the Bottom 6.  Either way, these 6 students of song are lucky enough to be mentored by one of the finest singer-songwriters in the biz….Shania Twain.

Shania (which is Yiddish for I didn’t do it, but even if I did, why should I tell you), makes her second appearance on Idol this season.  First time sitting in for Ellen at the pre-Hollywood auditions, and now as the author of the Songbook being performed tonight.

Just for the record, Shania has sold more records than Alicia Keys, Melissa Ethridge, Gloria Estefan, and the cast of GLEE combined. 

       Not bad for a Canadian chick who’s real name is Eileen and who was married to some guy named Mutt.

Speaking of Mutts…side note:  The Mets are in first place on April 28^th.  How the heck did that happen? 

I for one blame global warming.

So here we have the final 6.  Ryan announces that one was in Paint sales, one was in construction, one is a mother, one a father, one a glass blower and one is a high schooler.

If that were me on the stage, I’d like my occupation to be listed as gold digger. 

Up first, Lee, sets the canvas.

       Singing, “You’re Still The One”, Lee creates broad strokes, and in the beginning it was hard to imagine where he was going, but taking a step back you could appreciate what he accomplished on his Palette.   He reminded me of a young Gavin DeGraw mixed with a shade of Couillet.  Bravo, Bravo Mr. Lee.  To paraphrase this tune, “Looks like Lee made it…look how far he’s come baby.”

            If that made no sense to you, then you could appreciate what I was hearing when the Far-reaching 4 finished judging him.

      “It only hurts when I’m breathing” is something Ryan Seacrest said when Big Mike fell on top of him.  It is also the song that Mike picked.  The Judges compared him to Luther, and I think he is more Maxwell or Sylvester…but either way…American Idol has already had a very large Teddy Bear win this competition.  Ruben is a wonderful performer, but his sales have been less than impressive.  Big Mike ain’t winning this. 

            I liked seeing the camera cut to Shania watching in the audience.  She kinda a nerdy, goofy girl who doesn’t see how amazing she is.  It’s kind of refreshing.  Unlike when Michael Buble came out a few years ago and declared that he was the next Diana Ross.

Casey James and Shania Twain sing a brief duet during rehearsals for “Don’t!” and suddenly I can hear Casey having a future in the music business, and not just as a cabana boy.  His solo spot tonight is his best performance ever.  And the best thing is that he and Shania have the exact same hair stylist.  

Unlike Casey, Crystal has been firmly established in my head as an artist and unlike Casey, Crystal has her worst performance of the season.  The rhythm and the arrangement was off.  Plus Crystal has to realize that like Shania and other female country artists, a male background singer is better than a female one.

Crystal said she was trying to coax her long, long time boyfriend into marrying her.  The boy, who was in the front row, was wearing a ridiculous T-shirt that read,

“Crystal Bowersox, 
will you marry me if you win this competition,

and can I keep

my last name, Meth?”

Like Casey, Aaron has his best performance.  I was imagining as he sat on stage on a stool, that he was singing “You’ve got a way” to some pretend 16 year old soul mate with blonde hair and perfect skin, as he impresses her with his talent.   That image is shattered as Aaron says he was singing to his mom.  Ick and eww….except that Aaron’s mom is cute. 

Siobhan’s version of “Any man of mine” wasn’t as good as Simon, Kara, et al suggest but it wasn’t bad either.  “Any man of mine” is one of those songs that if any woman is shouting it out then any guy in the room should pick up their pants and slink out of the room.  It’s a perfect song for girls to put their men in their places.  It’s also the song that men should take as a signal to run as fast and far as their boots will allow.

Vote on the upper right of your screen to register who you think is going home next….

My choice… Big Mike takes the first Twain out of Clarksville.


If I'm wrong and someone else goes home...well, my Yiddish friend...Shania!

The Return of Our Favorite Idol Judge

PRESENTS

A Special Edition of AMERICAN IDOL: Idol Gives Back....

Hello Friend.

Are you feeling destitute, down-trodden, uninspired?

Do you sometimes feel like giving up and giving in?

Do you need something or someone to make you want to give more of yourself (especially your money)?

Well, the WAIT IS OVER! 

It’s Idol Gives Back, the yearly episode of your favorite talent show that asks you…Do any of these people really deserve my vote and my money???

Well TIME-LIFE (copyright) is ready to help you remember the more generous times of your life….AND here’s your host for the night:

Paula Abdul !!!

Hi, I’m  Paula Abdul.  You may remember me.  I know I do.  Most of the time.

But you may remember me like I remember me from such TV Hits like 'Dog the Bounty Hunter', 'The Flip Wilson Show', 'Masterpiece Theater', as well as my realty show, 'Emilio and Me' starring Priscilla Presley.  .

While I’m no longer allowed to appear on Americana Idol, I am allowed now to assist the contestants, and when I say ‘assist’ I really mean sleep with the contestants. 

And when I say ‘contestants’ I just mean the guys.

Back in 1991, while I was on tour with Gene Kelly and Fabian, I first met Bill Clinton.  We hit it off and one night we made love to “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac.  Later, he used it as his campaign theme song on his way to becoming President.  It was just a huge tribute to me, and a great in-joke that I’m sharing just with you Time-Life folks….for this special TV offer.

Since this is Inspiration Week, and all America loves everyone, I was inspired to tell you Cute Casey reminded of that story when he sang “Don’t Stop”.  I like Casey and the way he handles that guitar.  Don’t Stop, Casey, Don’t Stop!

If you love terrorism, you’ll really love this inspirational moment inspired by Loveable Lee singing “The Boxer”.  I love love love this song.  Written by a fellow Jew, Paul Simon, perhaps with another fellow Jew, Bob Dylan, in mind - this song really speaks to me.  It inspired me to look up the version Simon did on Saturday Night Live after September 11^th.  Simon took a song about an individual and he Forever attached it to a whole city at lowest point in its life.  I love Simon.  Not Randy as much.  Just Simon.  Mos' Definitely not Ellen or Kara.

Please check about this:  http://channel.pandora.tv/channel/video.ptv?ch_userid=ssofficer&prgid=34579920

Next up is a song that reminds me of Hurricane Katrina.  Tantalizing Tim takes me away to those September days after Katrina hit New Orleans.  I was sitting in the French Quarter on an inflatable raft drinking Rum and Coke when I heard the Goo Goo Dolls’ song, “Better Days” for the first time.  I was so inspired by the words and the emotion of the song that I thought to myself…”Yes, better days ARE ahead”.  So with that in mind, me, Ryan, Simon and Theodore all made arrangements to raise money somewhere much much much drier.  So we headed to the PALMS in Vegas.  

Ain’t these songs inspiring you like they are me?

Thank you Time-Life for putting this together.  Clap, Clap.

This next song confuses me.  “I Believe I Can Fly” is by R. Kelly but tonight it’s sung by Aaron Kelly.  Are they the same person?  Anyone know?

No?  Hmm…that’s totally crazy.  But Amazing Aaron is an ok singer.  He’s underage so I really didn’t get a chance to make friends with him.

.....Ok, Who the Frig is this odd girl with butterlies on her back and feathers in her hair?  Siobhan Magnus?  Isn’t that the dude who pulls trucks with his teeth on the World’s Strongest Men competitions?

Well whomever she is, she is singing the song that was supposed to be my comeback song, “When you believe,” but someone gave it to that tart Mariah and junkie Whitney.  I cannot stand women who throw themselves at men and take too many pills.

Big Big Big Mike. 

I was so so inspired by Big Magnificent Mike singing Nickelback’s “Hero”.  Mmmm, mmm, Spiderman.  Tie me up....

That was until Mikey raised his arms and showed us all his sweat-soaked underpits.  Ugh.  Yuck.  Grab that boy some Time-Life Deodorant. 

Here’s another song I love.  “People Get Ready” by Curtis Mayfield.

While some brilliant critics thought that young Katie should be the winner, there seems to be no more obvious choice than Crystal.

She inspired me to try to be a better person and give more.   It also reminds me that I need to get ready for my date tonight with Ricky Martin.  Oh, Ricky.  I’m Forever Your Girl.  Are you mine?

Even if the song choices tonight were uninspiring, and the performances were the general bland versions you’ve heard all season from these performers, I hoped you liked our Time-Life rehash of tonight’s songs with me, Paula Abdul.