PRESENTS
A Special Edition of AMERICAN IDOL: Idol Gives Back....
Hello Friend.
Are you feeling destitute, down-trodden, uninspired?
Do you sometimes feel like giving up and giving in?
Do you need something or someone to make you want to give more of yourself (especially your money)?
Well, the WAIT IS OVER!
It’s Idol Gives Back, the yearly episode of your favorite talent show that asks you…Do any of these people really deserve my vote and my money???
Well TIME-LIFE (copyright) is ready to help you remember the more generous times of your life….AND here’s your host for the night:
Paula Abdul !!!
Hi, I’m Paula Abdul. You may remember me. I know I do. Most of the time.
But you may remember me like I remember me from such TV Hits like 'Dog the Bounty Hunter', 'The Flip Wilson Show', 'Masterpiece Theater', as well as my realty show, 'Emilio and Me' starring Priscilla Presley. .
While I’m no longer allowed to appear on Americana Idol, I am allowed now to assist the contestants, and when I say ‘assist’ I really mean sleep with the contestants.
And when I say ‘contestants’ I just mean the guys.
Back in 1991, while I was on tour with Gene Kelly and Fabian, I first met Bill Clinton. We hit it off and one night we made love to “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac. Later, he used it as his campaign theme song on his way to becoming President. It was just a huge tribute to me, and a great in-joke that I’m sharing just with you Time-Life folks….for this special TV offer.
Since this is Inspiration Week, and all America loves everyone, I was inspired to tell you Cute Casey reminded of that story when he sang “Don’t Stop”. I like Casey and the way he handles that guitar. Don’t Stop, Casey, Don’t Stop!
If you love terrorism, you’ll really love this inspirational moment inspired by Loveable Lee singing “The Boxer”. I love love love this song. Written by a fellow Jew, Paul Simon, perhaps with another fellow Jew, Bob Dylan, in mind - this song really speaks to me. It inspired me to look up the version Simon did on Saturday Night Live after September 11th. Simon took a song about an individual and he Forever attached it to a whole city at lowest point in its life. I love Simon. Not Randy as much. Just Simon. Mos' Definitely not Ellen or Kara.
Next up is a song that reminds me of Hurricane Katrina. Tantalizing Tim takes me away to those September days after Katrina hit New Orleans. I was sitting in the French Quarter on an inflatable raft drinking Rum and Coke when I heard the Goo Goo Dolls’ song, “Better Days” for the first time. I was so inspired by the words and the emotion of the song that I thought to myself…”Yes, better days ARE ahead”. So with that in mind, me, Ryan, Simon and Theodore all made arrangements to raise money somewhere much much much drier. So we headed to the PALMS in Vegas.
Ain’t these songs inspiring you like they are me?
Thank you Time-Life for putting this together. Clap, Clap.
This next song confuses me. “I Believe I Can Fly” is by R. Kelly but tonight it’s sung by Aaron Kelly. Are they the same person? Anyone know?
No? Hmm…that’s totally crazy. But Amazing Aaron is an ok singer. He’s underage so I really didn’t get a chance to make friends with him.
.....Ok, Who the Frig is this odd girl with butterlies on her back and feathers in her hair? Siobhan Magnus? Isn’t that the dude who pulls trucks with his teeth on the World’s Strongest Men competitions?
Well whomever she is, she is singing the song that was supposed to be my comeback song, “When you believe,” but someone gave it to that tart Mariah and junkie Whitney. I cannot stand women who throw themselves at men and take too many pills.
Big Big Big Mike.
I was so so inspired by Big Magnificent Mike singing Nickelback’s “Hero”. Mmmm, mmm, Spiderman. Tie me up....
That was until Mikey raised his arms and showed us all his sweat-soaked underpits. Ugh. Yuck. Grab that boy some Time-Life Deodorant.
Here’s another song I love. “People Get Ready” by Curtis Mayfield.
While some brilliant critics thought that young Katie should be the winner, there seems to be no more obvious choice than Crystal.
She inspired me to try to be a better person and give more. It also reminds me that I need to get ready for my date tonight with Ricky Martin. Oh, Ricky. I’m Forever Your Girl. Are you mine?
Even if the song choices tonight were uninspiring, and the performances were the general bland versions you’ve heard all season from these performers, I hoped you liked our Time-Life rehash of tonight’s songs with me, Paula Abdul.
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